As Tears Go By
by NineTimesBlue
Summary: Dean is pretty upset about a dream he was having concerning Sam burning in hell and cries for the first time in front of Lisa.  Lisa doesn't understand at all but tries to calm him down.


**As Tears Go By**

Any other day he wouldn't have reacted like this.

He'd never been a guy who showed his true emotions, kind of hiding them by building up a shield of toughness and masculinity around himself.

But she was used to it.

Used to him always wearing his leather jacket, being hungry all the time, loving his car more than her, leaving his dirty socks in the sink- but today it meant nothing.

It was a special day.

A strange day.

A day she never expected would come.

She knew it before she even realised she'd forgotten her keys.

It took him an incredibly long time to open the door and to let her in.

She could blame it on him watching TV or just being too lazy to stand up, but she knew it was something else.

Usually he was full of laughter, he loved chatting with her for hours and even in the middle of the night, he came up with funny ideas of what to do.

But not today.

As they made themselves comfortable on the couch, there was silence.

Not the enjoyable kind of silence of being alone with a dear friend, understanding each other without even saying a word.

They had a lot of these moments.

But this one was different.

The atmosphere was thick and heavy, uncomfortably quiet

Sort of awkward, sort of self-conscious.

She studied his face for the better part of a minute, but then decided it'd be of no use asking what was bothering him.

She knew she couldn't push him to say something; it was up to him whether to say something or not.

He didn't look like he was going to, though.

So she just gave him a concerned look and remained silent.

And so did he.

His eyes were focused on the screen of the telly, which was showing nothing in particular, just some kind of sport news.

She didn't look at the TV.

Her eyes followed the wet trail a single, shiny tear left on his cheek. Another one followed, shimmering like a falling star in the dim light.

Was he actually...crying?

She felt her heart twinge in sympathy; she'd never seen him like this before. Quiet, withdrawn, not behaving like himself.

Gently, she touched his hand.

It felt kind of rough from all the years he spent hunting evil with his brother, but also warm.

He clasped her hand and she gave him an endearing squeeze, her thumb stroking back and forth over his knuckles.

Her other hand wandered up his chest to his face.

Affectionately she wiped away a tear that was making its way down the side of his nose.

Both of her hands were cupping his face now and she pulled him closer to give him a soft kiss on his chapped lips.

He didn't pull away from her, but she felt he was uncomfortable

- even though they'd been together for almost a whole year.

She heard him gasping and noticed a new set of tears streaming down his cheeks.

His green eyes met hers, glimmering wetly in the dark.

"Sam" was all he said before burying his face between his knees, sobbing quietly.

Gingerly she rubbed his back in circles, feeling the slight quiver of his body as he tried to contain himself.

"It's been almost a year, hasn't it?" she whispered, wrapping her arm around his shoulders.

He faced her.

His eyes were still shimmering wetly like he could burst out in tears any minute,

his face was pale except his cheeks which were flushing faintly as she looked at him.

He wiped his eyes one-handed and gave a quiet sniff.

Then he nodded slowly and answered, "Yeah. Almost."

He cleared his throat and stared at the ground, new tears flooding his eyes.

"I..." he started, but interrupted himself, biting his lip and facing an imaginary spot on the floor, "I saw him."

"Dean, sweetie, there's no way of seeing him. Even though we'd love to."

She gave him an insecure, sympathetic smile.

He choked back tears and shivered involuntarily.

"But I did, it was some kind of dream," he croaked and considered speaking on, but went quiet when she furrowed her brow in confusion.

"You think I'm nuts, don't you?" he sighed.

She faced him, his slightly puffy eyes focusing on hers.

But she didn't say anything, she continued stroking his hand instead and avoided his look.

"I'll take this as 'yes'"

"No…I just…I can't believe it."

"I never used to dream a lot as a child, and suddenly I see Sam.

You don't have a clue how I feel about it. I – I just want it to be over."

He swallowed hard.

Softly she took his face in her hands and planted a kiss on his forehead.

"You have a caring wife, and a son — you should give a normal life at least a try."

He felt himself flinch and gripped her hand again, holding it tightly.

"I just can't seem to forget him, it's like he's still here, watching us, you know."

"He's watching over us, wherever he may be. But I don't think he wanted you to be unhappy, do you?"

Dean bit his lip again and shook his head silently.

"Aww, sweetie. Let's get some sleep, it's late. I'm sure we'll find a way to make you feel better."

"I just want my brother back," he thought but followed her into their bedroom.

Sam sighed as he watched Dean snuggle closer to Lisa, needing her comfort and warmth like never before.

He climbed off the tree and noticed something wet streaming down his face.

He was surprised to find a single tear on his cheek.

Sam wasn't human anymore, he wasn't supposed to cry.

Maybe he was still a little human inside, and Dean was the only one who could touch and wake this little part of his previous self,

make him feel loved again,

make him feel human again,

make him even feel like a brother again.


End file.
